The Queen of Profanity

For our first challenge I want to start with something relatively strange and controversial. There is a small country named Profanity and this small country has a Queen. She loves her country but is bothered by all the profanity in Profanity so she comes up with a plan. She will change the meaning of the profane words to things that people really like. Here is a brief example of how it could:

... thus f#ck came to mean good morning, sh*t came to mean Friday, and p*ss was changed ever the slightest to mean puppy. Thus it was that one walking down the street might hear “F#ck to you Mr. Petty. Say, did your dog have her pissies?”

To which you might reply “Yes indeed on sh*t as a matter of fact. You going to be wanting one?”

“No, my wife says she doesn't want any more p*ss in the house.” He might reply.

“Ah well, have f#ck anyhow.”

Since this blogs new I'm not expecting anything very polished. I'm planning to call the winner the one with the funniest or most interesting phrase or paragraph withing the story. I'm not expecting many submissions so I'll probably just post the first few readable ones and if more come in I'll repost the best in about a week or so. You can substitute the profane words for any other but the reader should be able to discern its meaning. You can reuse the original words as other things if you want and have a cascading effect. Say Friday comes to mean sh*t, and the queen changes Friday to mean cake. Now sht means Friday and Friday means cake. What I don't want to have here are racist or hurtful stories so I'm going to limit the profane words usable to the words that George Carlin couldn't use. It's a rather dated list and some of them are consideder downright tame these days but that's probably for the best. Of course you can write whatever you want but I'll only post stories that are not meant to hurt or belittle. I don't mind getting off to a controversial start, but I fear that this topic could set a good or bad precedent for this page.
I'm pretty sure this is the only way to increase your I.Q. by using profanity.
How do you submit you short story? You can email it to me at himthatwas.blog@gmail.com Or if it's small enough you can just post it in the comments for everyone to see. Although I expect I'll have to delete a few.
Write on.