Sunday, August 28, 2005

From the Cutting Room Floor: A Makeover Show

Usually the friends and family on these shows look like they themselves could host the show. Everyone the guest/victim knows is entirely too civilized. Granted we all have that one friend that had a mullet all through the 90's and kind of smells funny, but that friend also always has several friends that you'd rather not hang out with. These shows don't show them. Now whenever I watch one of these shows I'm always looking for them. After all isn't it the real mark of a friend to accept you the way you are. I'm more interested in what their “dirty friends” look and sound like. I want to see their tapes.

Maybe some would look like this:

Mullet Man: When we was in college we'd be bangin' chicks like no tomorrow but he's just done lost it. I's need my wingman back.

Dad (to someone off camera): Are you going to make my boy a dandy?
Dad (to the camera): Son, don't you let them touch you down there. They'll tell you it's normal, but it ain't!

Grandma: What? (That's all she says. Maybe add in a "Would you like a piece of chocolate?")

Ol' Three Tooth: The garage coworker. Covered in grease and nasty. He does lots of giggling and more smiling than it's right for someone with so few teeth.
Well, that's some of the ones I would like to see. What would you like to see? Post some characters or things they might say.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

The Queen of Profanity

For our first challenge I want to start with something relatively strange and controversial. There is a small country named Profanity and this small country has a Queen. She loves her country but is bothered by all the profanity in Profanity so she comes up with a plan. She will change the meaning of the profane words to things that people really like. Here is a brief example of how it could:

... thus f#ck came to mean good morning, sh*t came to mean Friday, and p*ss was changed ever the slightest to mean puppy. Thus it was that one walking down the street might hear “F#ck to you Mr. Petty. Say, did your dog have her pissies?”

To which you might reply “Yes indeed on sh*t as a matter of fact. You going to be wanting one?”

“No, my wife says she doesn't want any more p*ss in the house.” He might reply.

“Ah well, have f#ck anyhow.”
Since this blogs new I'm not expecting anything very polished. I'm planning to call the winner the one with the funniest or most interesting phrase or paragraph withing the story. I'm not expecting many submissions so I'll probably just post the first few readable ones and if more come in I'll repost the best in about a week or so. You can substitute the profane words for any other but the reader should be able to discern its meaning. You can reuse the original words as other things if you want and have a cascading effect. Say Friday comes to mean sh*t, and the queen changes Friday to mean cake. Now sht means Friday and Friday means cake. What I don't want to have here are racist or hurtful stories so I'm going to limit the profane words usable to the words that George Carlin couldn't use. It's a rather dated list and some of them are consideder downright tame these days but that's probably for the best. Of course you can write whatever you want but I'll only post stories that are not meant to hurt or belittle. I don't mind getting off to a controversial start, but I fear that this topic could set a good or bad precedent for this page.
I'm pretty sure this is the only way to increase your I.Q. by using profanity.
How do you submit you short story? You can email it to me at Or if it's small enough you can just post it in the comments for everyone to see. Although I expect I'll have to delete a few.
Write on.

Monday, August 22, 2005


First things first, what is this blog? All things to all people? That might be a bit too ambitious, lets start a little smaller.

Steal this Idea!
This is an ongoing challenge (for bragging rights at this point) and an exercise to help people get past writers block. I'll give a simple, strange, yet hopefully always interesting plot twist or premise. The best short (500 to 2000 words, but I'm not actually going to count) story will be printed here and eventually I expect to be able to award prizes. Crappy early prizes (like bragging rights) will be upgradable at a later time so if you write something spectacular before we start giving out goodies you will not be forgotten.

Tea tales
I have been a fan of Tea (Yes, the drink, but if that's your bands name and that's how you got here no hard feelings.) for quite a while now and have found some very odd true stories about drinking, transporting, discovering, and even suicide related to Tea (although the last is bit loosely related). I plan to share as many as possible and welcome you to do the same.

Do you deserve a cup of Tea?
I'm working on a quiz generator that asks this very question. It will have trivia based on Tea and if you know the answer - You do deserve a cup of Tea. Small in concept but the questions will tend more to the obscure rather than mundane. Less of: "How long should you brew Oolong?" More of: "What caused Japanese Tea drinker Ichero to state 'Ah! This is a degenerate age! I will have no more to do with it.' and commit suicide via starvation?"

Around the web, around the brain
I tend to get around the web (as do we all) and come across things that are interesting from time to time. They don't always fit in with this web page nor do they warrant creating a new one but are interesting enough to share. Sometimes they'll just be from the more local cobwebs of my mind. After all you can't have a blog with out a little ranting, self discovery, and philosophical conversations in the third person. Thankfully I'm quite a bit past the whole "What if we're all just someone else dream?" so it shouldn't be too painful for you.

Disclaimer: If it looks like things around here suck at first, remember it's all purposefully done to prolong your enjoyment.